My daughter calls them my practice boyfriends, these guys I meet, get to know somewhat, but never actually get to date. But it’s complicated. My name is Janet and I am a recovering love addict. I have to be very careful doing such things. I have a list of behaviors that mean I’m out of recovery, things like future fantasizing and doing things because I see them as a “dating resume” builder: things that make me cooler and more fascinating. But it can be a fine, fine line. Finer than “did I take a drink?”, “did I not take a drink?” And I’m amazingly adept at convincing myself that I’m not actually doing what I’ve identified as a destructive behavior for myself, even while doing it.
With each practice boyfriend, I’m able to peel off layers of the onion and understand more about what I’m doing and what changes I would like to make. With this practice boyfriend, the loop of judgement and validation became so evident. I was watching him for red flags, deeming each brief interaction as satisfying or not. I was judging him while seeking validation for myself. That one is so deeply ingrained: the need for validation. I expect I’ll be working on it for the rest of my life. But I see the loop now.
The day before this practice boyfriend left, we were on a hike through the woods, along with workmates. The two of us were bringing up the rear, having our own conversation, and I started to feel excitement mounting. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! But then a new level of awareness washed over me, revealing to me how I was manufacturing that excitement, not the situation. The part of me that equates excitement with love was busy at work. I have been practicing grounding my body, finding relaxation, having been in fight or flight, desperate for love, for as long as I can remember. Longer. My instinct was to stop walking and look up at one of the huge trees we were among. I took a deep breath and remembered who I am without trauma bonding. I’ve been in recovery for four years and have had so many ah-ha moments, but this one was really significant, this discovery that I was manufacturing excitement because I thought I should, and that I could simply decide to stop doing that. I could return to relaxation, while in the company of a man I had a wee crush on, as is my new desired behavior. Big win to actually feel that in my body: to peel another layer off the onion of should.
Another measurement I use to know if I’m in recovery or not is assessing the motivation behind my choices. Am I choosing to do things out of joy or for recognition? I had the idea that I should play some dinner music on my guitar, sing a few songs, in the dining hall one night. It had been a while since I performed for a crowd. But as the chosen day grew nearer, I found myself having second thoughts. I asked myself if I was afraid. I have a rule about not letting fear stop me from doing things. But I’m also a recovering love addict, so I also had to look at whether I was doing the show to impress dude while he ate his dinner? In which case, that would trump the fear rule and I’d have to not do the show. But I learned a new question to ask myself. Would I still do this activity if he wasn’t present? And the answer was yes, so I was clear to go ahead and have fun playing. And now I have a powerful new question for clarity when decision making.
All in all, a wonderful experience of fake dating with a pretend boyfriend. I imagine one of these days I’ll be ready to try the real thing, but in the meantime, I’m feeling so much more centered in self-awareness than I have ever been. The moments of deep shame have mostly gone away I’m learning how to validate myself, out of necessity. Truth is, I very much enjoy my own company, even when I’m tired and longing to be held. I will hold myself for as long as it takes, until my body trusts that everything’s good. It’s my pleasure to be able to do that for myself.
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